Everyone who knows me and hears I’m back to running asks me, “Does it feel good to be back?”
And of course, I say yes. I smile and gush about how much I’ve missed it, how I can’t wait to be back in shape.
Those things are true (especially the second one), but they aren’t the whole story.
I am truly glad to be back overall. I’m only running every other day at this point, but I get so excited when I know that tomorrow is a “run” day.
But it’s not completely fun yet. When I run, I feel slow. I get worried as I feel little aches and pains everywhere: my hips, my knees, my calves, my feet. I fear injury. I wonder if there’s something wrong with my running gait that causes me to get injuries repeatedly. I worry that since I gained (much-needed-to-be-gained) weight, running is now too much stress on my body, and I’ll never be able to run as hard or fast as I did before.
I’m afraid to get too excited because I know it can all be snatched away. I was looking at my Garmin records from early 2014 – apparently I did a long run of 12 miles at an 8:22 pace, on an ordinary Wednesday?! And I was running nearly 8 miles a day on other days. Which, it’s pretty easy to see why I got a stress fracture, but still, I can’t believe that at one time I was capable of doing that.
But I also saw a quote the other day that I really liked (via the Instagram of Christmas Abbott):
I like that. I feel like it applies not only to running, but also to school. Guys, engineering is HARD. Like really freaking hard. Every single semester, I wonder if I’m going to pass. I honestly am not sure I’ll graduate. I’m literally 7 classes away from graduation (out of 40.5 that I need to graduate!) and I’m not sure that I’ll make it. Isn’t that silly? I know on some level, that I WILL make it. Because if there’s something I truly want, I don’t give up. I even wrote a college essay on that, haha. But it’s true. If there’s something I want, and I know it’s within my power to get to it, I’ll get to it. Even if my transcript looks like the alphabet repeated every semester. I will make it.
After that rant (sorry, finals week just ended, I can’t help it) the moral of the story is: I’ve struggled with injury, doubts, failures, and fears, and right now, the doubts and fears are loud. But I know as long as I keep going, I’ll get to where I want to be, even if I can’t see it yet.